I thought it would be like a first bee sting.
I felt void.
I thought it would make Niagara falls yearn to be my eyes.
Not one tear.
I thought you wouldn't be in my thoughts no more.
I dream of you.
I thought you wanted me. I thought i wanted you.
But the mind can not force the heart to jump hurdles when there is nothing to skip a beat for.
The heart can be easily persuaded but not into love.
I just wanted it so bad. I wanted to be yearned for. I wanted feel the simplistic love a blanket gives.
I think i love your mind still.
Eight moths after the flame dimmed we were friends. And we were real this time around. You knew the real me this time. I wanted the friendship, so damn much. You made me think. You told me you wanted to kiss me.
I yearn for a kiss but not from the guy that told my friends he was in love with them while he was with me.
I guess you can say it was my plan to make you miss me. I knew that i could make you fall for me. I wanted for you to look at me and wonder what made me laugh that hard; to wonder what if.
We were both guilty of something.
What makes me hate myself most is that I'm dreaming of you and I'm thinking what if I said yes to kissing you.
What if we kissed like a rabbit in the front yard. Its there all so soon then is gone and done.
Maybe we could just be study buddies so that we are ready for actual test's when it was time.
All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I'm tired of being sad.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Some How
You know, all I ever wanted was to prove to you what I couldn't prove to myself.
I wanted to scream it in your ear to ensure you heard it.
But, I guess somehow I didn't plan on someone already having told you the opposite of me.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. All i wanted to do was help others.
Some how instead you managed to scream in my face how I was the destruction of it all. The weight those words carried were deeper than marinas trench.
You don't know much pain you permanently instilled in me.
All I ever wanted was to be what you wanted, what you were looking for and instead I was popping pills.
You looked me in the eyes and said I was the sole reason for things going wrong.
Communication is irrelevant these days because some how as long as someone gives you a reason to blame someone for what they didn't do, there's no reason to talk about it.
I have to see you every damn day and stare pain in the face.
There is no end to this hurt. I can't put it on a shelf and save it for a rainy day when no ones around anymore.
You destroyed me. You taught me what it is like to be to be terrified beyond belief. You are what a contradiction looks like. You preach goodness but you are hell behind those doors.
Keep blaming me please. Because I will keep trying to rise above.
The only times you will see me cry are when someone is blaming me for hurting people and when a my favorite TV show character dies.
I know what it is to hurt. Don't you ever think i would wish that on anyone else.
I wanted to scream it in your ear to ensure you heard it.
But, I guess somehow I didn't plan on someone already having told you the opposite of me.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. All i wanted to do was help others.
Some how instead you managed to scream in my face how I was the destruction of it all. The weight those words carried were deeper than marinas trench.
You don't know much pain you permanently instilled in me.
All I ever wanted was to be what you wanted, what you were looking for and instead I was popping pills.
You looked me in the eyes and said I was the sole reason for things going wrong.
Communication is irrelevant these days because some how as long as someone gives you a reason to blame someone for what they didn't do, there's no reason to talk about it.
I have to see you every damn day and stare pain in the face.
There is no end to this hurt. I can't put it on a shelf and save it for a rainy day when no ones around anymore.
You destroyed me. You taught me what it is like to be to be terrified beyond belief. You are what a contradiction looks like. You preach goodness but you are hell behind those doors.
Keep blaming me please. Because I will keep trying to rise above.
The only times you will see me cry are when someone is blaming me for hurting people and when a my favorite TV show character dies.
I know what it is to hurt. Don't you ever think i would wish that on anyone else.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Simply put, I long for intimacy but hate relationships and suck at not becoming attached
Lately it's almost as though my lips crave lust
I've never been able to fit myself into relationships like size 00 jeans, it just wasn't happening.
My tongue has a hankering for doing the tango
My body craves intimacy.
Lets not and say we did in my mind by virtue of fear I may as well be branded as incapable to do.
I whimmed for a connection so badly my dreams made it look easier than reality television ever could.
The past has begun to again look desirable.
It was a catch 22. I knew that the lusciousness of your lips would en-capture me but still i wanted to play chicken just to feel.
Just to grapple intimacy with a kiss would simply be heaven.
Relationships never taste as good as they sound
I've had one to sour pickles to enjoy the taste
it has simply felt better to swim away just as the wave is about to break.
This way it cant crash on me.
I've never been able to fit myself into relationships like size 00 jeans, it just wasn't happening.
My tongue has a hankering for doing the tango
My body craves intimacy.
Lets not and say we did in my mind by virtue of fear I may as well be branded as incapable to do.
I whimmed for a connection so badly my dreams made it look easier than reality television ever could.
The past has begun to again look desirable.
It was a catch 22. I knew that the lusciousness of your lips would en-capture me but still i wanted to play chicken just to feel.
Just to grapple intimacy with a kiss would simply be heaven.
Relationships never taste as good as they sound
I've had one to sour pickles to enjoy the taste
it has simply felt better to swim away just as the wave is about to break.
This way it cant crash on me.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tell me, am I good enough?
Tell me when my jokes are funny enough to make your insides cramp of joy.
Tell me when my hair is damaged enough to be appealing to you.
Tell me when the makeup begins to weigh me down.
Tell me when to chuckle and how not to snort
Tell me when I finally fit the mold you have cast for me.
Your approval was suffocating my thoughts, wrapping each finger tighter.
This paradox of a society has got me pinned
Speak your mind they say but, not to loud
Equality they say,
Be yourself, yourself is enough but don't say this or wear that.
I refuse to be yet another contradiction this world has birthed
I refuse to do anything but think for myself and my ideals
How can we pride ourselves on what good we have achieved when the bad out weighs the good?
How can we pride ourselves on our Happiness when we inflict sadness on others or simply don't spread the joy?
Have we evolved into such selfish people that we can no longer share?
When children cry themselves to sleep because of what they are not, we have failed.
When we discourage more than encourage we should wear shame for clothes.
How dare we mold the future as if its our own today.
Live in the moment they say yet, we are planning our tomorrows away
What I need to know is that if I cast my own mold can I still be enough?
Tell me that when my veins tango with the blade I am still lovely.
Tell me that when I cant seem to want to find my way out of my bed that am still ideal.
Tell me that when I refuse to eat that I am ravishing.
Tell me when my hair is damaged enough to be appealing to you.
Tell me when the makeup begins to weigh me down.
Tell me when to chuckle and how not to snort
Tell me when I finally fit the mold you have cast for me.
Your approval was suffocating my thoughts, wrapping each finger tighter.
This paradox of a society has got me pinned
Speak your mind they say but, not to loud
Equality they say,
Be yourself, yourself is enough but don't say this or wear that.
I refuse to be yet another contradiction this world has birthed
I refuse to do anything but think for myself and my ideals
How can we pride ourselves on what good we have achieved when the bad out weighs the good?
How can we pride ourselves on our Happiness when we inflict sadness on others or simply don't spread the joy?
Have we evolved into such selfish people that we can no longer share?
When children cry themselves to sleep because of what they are not, we have failed.
When we discourage more than encourage we should wear shame for clothes.
How dare we mold the future as if its our own today.
Live in the moment they say yet, we are planning our tomorrows away
What I need to know is that if I cast my own mold can I still be enough?
Tell me that when my veins tango with the blade I am still lovely.
Tell me that when I cant seem to want to find my way out of my bed that am still ideal.
Tell me that when I refuse to eat that I am ravishing.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Maybe its 3:04 am and I still miss my best friend.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just want the memories back to cuddle me with comfort. Maybe I am simply trying to justify the crap you put me through. And maybe I am just trying to grasp on to that one last hope that I could save us.
But, you walked away.
Maybe, I am only writing to find myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am blogging because it helps me to feel that someone-anyone is listening and feeling with me.
Maybe, you were right to walk away. God knows I would have left me after the mistakes and slip-ups I always seem to make.
They say we are creatures of habit. If my habits include caring too much, being allergic to change, and fucking up every single time then, I resign. Lord knows there are people at eternal rest that could do this whole life thing better than I.
You un-followed me today on every social media. You erased me from your life like taking out the trash- it didn't phase you. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to stay the optimistic self I am. I am trying to get better you see? things could be better! It is so hard watching everyone I know grow closer to you in my absence. They cling to you like leeches because attention and a million friends is there morphine.
I would be lying if I said I am okay. I cant sleep. Frigid cold ice cream is all that warms my soul at this point.
Maybe I am rambling on again. Maybe I should suck it up. Maybe this isn't the first time the friendship was corrupted. Good can't last can it? It's only good for so long.
Every optimist has there down side.
Maybe I am overusing the word maybe. Maybe I wished you'd stop sub tweeting about me because, it turns out that words are the anchors that drag me down.
Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you will come back once you see how much better I have become. You don't even have to apologies just come back into my life.
You made me realize that people are tsunami's swallowing us whole until the urge to breathe on my our own fades. You made me realize I am not okay. That seeing you every other day is just a crack of lightning for a reminder of how grasping a lasting something is just a wild fantasy for me.
I guess I will live. You are simply going to be a spring board up, a lesson learned. You are the past. Until today I was clinging to my profile picture of us as if it was a defibrillator for us. Turns out it was nothing but, a lifeless picture of me and somebody I used to know.
Life is not a game of big brother so why does it feel like it? Why is it that only my alliances are fading? Why am I sinking listening to others make believe they are ten feet under.
Maybe I'm not changing for you. Maybe it really is for me, even if it takes some convincing I swear it is! Maybe I suck at lying because you always did the lying for us.
Here I am struggling to exterminate you from my mind whilst you rub every type of happy in my face. I am allowed to be happy- even happier than you.
I have come to realize I don't give a crap if anyone reads this. Or if I gain anything from posting this. Because maybe I just need to start over and find me, for me. I need to stand alone before I can be okay. Face your fear and for me that's loneliness. Maybe I can do this, and emerge on top in the end. You watch.
Chapter one starts now: The summer I made it better.
But, you walked away.
Maybe, I am only writing to find myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am blogging because it helps me to feel that someone-anyone is listening and feeling with me.
Maybe, you were right to walk away. God knows I would have left me after the mistakes and slip-ups I always seem to make.
They say we are creatures of habit. If my habits include caring too much, being allergic to change, and fucking up every single time then, I resign. Lord knows there are people at eternal rest that could do this whole life thing better than I.
You un-followed me today on every social media. You erased me from your life like taking out the trash- it didn't phase you. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to stay the optimistic self I am. I am trying to get better you see? things could be better! It is so hard watching everyone I know grow closer to you in my absence. They cling to you like leeches because attention and a million friends is there morphine.
I would be lying if I said I am okay. I cant sleep. Frigid cold ice cream is all that warms my soul at this point.
Maybe I am rambling on again. Maybe I should suck it up. Maybe this isn't the first time the friendship was corrupted. Good can't last can it? It's only good for so long.
Every optimist has there down side.
Maybe I am overusing the word maybe. Maybe I wished you'd stop sub tweeting about me because, it turns out that words are the anchors that drag me down.
Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you will come back once you see how much better I have become. You don't even have to apologies just come back into my life.
You made me realize that people are tsunami's swallowing us whole until the urge to breathe on my our own fades. You made me realize I am not okay. That seeing you every other day is just a crack of lightning for a reminder of how grasping a lasting something is just a wild fantasy for me.
Life is not a game of big brother so why does it feel like it? Why is it that only my alliances are fading? Why am I sinking listening to others make believe they are ten feet under.
Maybe I'm not changing for you. Maybe it really is for me, even if it takes some convincing I swear it is! Maybe I suck at lying because you always did the lying for us.
Here I am struggling to exterminate you from my mind whilst you rub every type of happy in my face. I am allowed to be happy- even happier than you.
I have come to realize I don't give a crap if anyone reads this. Or if I gain anything from posting this. Because maybe I just need to start over and find me, for me. I need to stand alone before I can be okay. Face your fear and for me that's loneliness. Maybe I can do this, and emerge on top in the end. You watch.
Chapter one starts now: The summer I made it better.
Friday, July 18, 2014
16 Lessons For 16 Years
Just like everyone else I have faced by hardships, joyful times and the middle ground of sitting around waiting for inspiration to cure the boredom. They say that when one door closes another opens but, only you have the key to open it. These are lessons I've gathered during my sixteen years. I aspire to touch the hearts of others. So with out further ado I give you a mere 16 lessons and their sub-parts to tickle your brain.
Lesson 1. You are alive.
- When something goes wrong I like to say to myself, "Well....hey, I'm alive". This simple reminder puts the little rock in the road into perspective.
- If it will impact you, you must have a say.
Lesson 4. Be all in or don't do it at all. Fear is not a good enough reason for you to miss out on life's wonders.
Lesson 5. Don't loose yourself because you want others to like you. It's not worth loosing yourself for. The moment you start trying to please others will be when you aren't able to.
Lesson 6. When life throws you a curve ball, stay calm and knock it out of the park.
Lesson 7. You can do it. It's just a matter of will you?
- It's yours for the taking if you want it.
- If it feels right do it. Your intuition is key!
Lesson 9. Keep all but one of your kings in the back row.
Lesson 10. You have to be your number one supporter. You have to believe in yourself. If you don't who will? You are to wear yourself like you believe it.
Lesson 11. You'll never be able to fly if you keep one foot on the ground.
Lesson 12. Do it. Worry about consequences later. You can always regret doing something but at least you did it. Damned if you do and Damned if you don't so might as well do.
Lesson 13. You can make any situation better. Always. Silver linings aren't always obvious but, they are more than worth the work.
Lesson 14. You don't need someone by your side for you to be happy.
Lesson 15. They say happiness is a mindset. So is fear.
Lesson 16. In time what you have planted now, you will harvest.
Lesson 15. They say happiness is a mindset. So is fear.
Lesson 16. In time what you have planted now, you will harvest.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
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