Maybe its 3:04 am and I still miss my best friend.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just want the memories back to cuddle me with comfort. Maybe I am simply trying to justify the crap you put me through. And maybe I am just trying to grasp on to that one last hope that I could save us.

But, you walked away.

Maybe, I am only writing to find myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am blogging because it helps me to feel that someone-anyone is listening and feeling with me.
Maybe, you were right to walk away. God knows I would have left me after the mistakes and slip-ups I always seem to make.

They say we are creatures of habit. If my habits include caring too much, being allergic to change, and fucking up every single time then, I resign. Lord knows there are people at eternal rest that could do this whole life thing better than I.

You un-followed me today on every social media. You erased me from your life like taking out the trash- it didn't phase you. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to stay the optimistic self I am. I am trying to get better you see? things could be better! It is so hard watching everyone I know grow closer to you in my absence. They cling to you like leeches because attention and a million friends is there morphine.

I would be lying if I said I am okay. I cant sleep. Frigid cold ice cream is all that warms my soul at this point.

Maybe I am rambling on again. Maybe I should suck it up. Maybe this isn't the first time the friendship was corrupted. Good can't last can it? It's only good for so long.
Every optimist has there down side.

Maybe I am overusing the word maybe. Maybe I wished you'd stop sub tweeting about me because, it turns out that words are the anchors that drag me down.

Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you will come back once you see how much better I have become. You don't even have to apologies just come back into my life.

You made me realize that people are tsunami's swallowing us whole until the urge to breathe on my our own fades. You made me realize I am not okay. That seeing you every other day is just a crack of lightning for a reminder of how grasping a lasting something is just a wild fantasy for me.

I guess I will live.  You are simply going to be a spring board up, a lesson learned. You are the past. Until today I was clinging to my profile picture of us as if it was a defibrillator for us. Turns out it was nothing but, a lifeless picture of me and somebody I used to know.

Life is not a game of big brother so why does it feel like it? Why is it that only my alliances are fading? Why am I sinking listening to others make believe they are ten feet under.

Maybe I'm not changing for you. Maybe it really is for me, even if it takes some convincing I swear it is! Maybe I suck at lying because you always did the lying for us.

Here I am struggling to exterminate you from my mind whilst you rub every type of happy in my face. I am allowed to be happy- even happier than you.

I have come to realize I don't give a crap if anyone reads this. Or if I gain anything from posting this. Because maybe I just need to start over and find me, for me. I need to stand alone before I can be okay. Face your fear and for me that's loneliness. Maybe I can do this, and emerge on top in the end. You watch.

Chapter one starts now: The summer I made it better.