First Real Something

I thought it would be like a first bee sting.
I felt void.
I thought it would make Niagara falls yearn to be my eyes.
Not one tear.
I thought you wouldn't be in my thoughts no more.
I dream of you.
I thought you wanted me. I thought i wanted you.
But the mind can not force the heart to jump hurdles when there is nothing to skip a beat for.
The heart can be easily persuaded but not into love.
I just wanted it so bad. I wanted to be yearned for. I wanted feel the simplistic love a blanket gives.
I think i love your mind still.
Eight moths after the flame dimmed we were friends. And we were real this time around. You knew the real me this time. I wanted the friendship, so damn much. You made me think. You told me you wanted to kiss me.
I yearn for a kiss but not from the guy that told my friends he was in love with them while he was with me.
I guess you can say it was my plan to make you miss me. I knew that i could make you fall for me. I wanted for you to look at me and wonder what made me laugh that hard; to wonder what if.
We were both guilty of something.
What makes me hate myself most is that I'm dreaming of you and I'm thinking what if I said yes to kissing you.
What if we kissed like a rabbit in the front yard. Its there all so soon then is gone and done.
Maybe we could just be study buddies so that we are ready for actual test's when it was time.
All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I'm tired of being sad.

Some How

You know, all I ever wanted was to prove to you what I couldn't prove to myself.
I wanted to scream it in your ear to ensure you heard it.
But, I guess somehow I didn't plan on someone already having told you the opposite of me.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. All i wanted to do was help others.
Some how instead you managed to  scream in my face how I was the destruction of it all. The weight those words carried were deeper than marinas trench.
You don't know much pain you permanently instilled in me.
All I ever wanted was to be what you wanted, what you were looking for and instead I was popping pills.
You looked me in the eyes and said I was the sole reason for things going wrong.
Communication is irrelevant these days because some how as long as someone gives you a reason to blame someone for what they didn't do, there's no reason to talk about it.
I have to see you every damn day and stare pain in the face.
There is no end to this hurt. I can't put it on a shelf and save it for a rainy day when no ones around anymore.
You destroyed me. You taught me what it is like to be to be terrified beyond belief. You are what a contradiction looks like. You preach goodness but you are hell behind those doors.
Keep blaming me please. Because I will keep trying to rise above.
The only times you will see me cry are when someone is blaming me for hurting people and when a my favorite TV show character dies.
I know what it is to hurt. Don't you ever think i would wish that on anyone else.