Tell me, am I good enough?

Tell me when my jokes are funny enough to make your insides cramp of joy.
Tell me when my hair is damaged enough to be appealing to you.
Tell me when the makeup begins to weigh me down.
Tell me when to chuckle and how not to snort
Tell me when I finally fit the mold you have cast for me.

Your approval was suffocating my thoughts, wrapping each finger tighter.
This paradox of a society has got me pinned
Speak your mind they say but, not to loud
Equality they say,
Be yourself, yourself is enough but don't say this or wear that.

I refuse to be yet another contradiction this world has birthed
I refuse to do anything but think for myself and my ideals
How can we pride ourselves on what good we have achieved when the bad out weighs the good?
How can we pride ourselves on our Happiness when we inflict sadness on others or simply don't spread the joy?
Have we evolved into such selfish people that we can no longer share?

When children cry themselves to sleep because of what they are not, we have failed.
When we discourage more than encourage we should wear shame for clothes.
How dare we mold the future as if its our own today.
Live in the moment they say yet, we are planning our tomorrows away

What I need to know is that if I cast my own mold can I still be enough?

Tell me that when my veins tango with the blade I am still lovely.
Tell me that when I cant seem to want to find my way out of my bed that am still ideal.
Tell me that when I refuse to eat that I am ravishing.

Maybe its 3:04 am and I still miss my best friend.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just want the memories back to cuddle me with comfort. Maybe I am simply trying to justify the crap you put me through. And maybe I am just trying to grasp on to that one last hope that I could save us.

But, you walked away.

Maybe, I am only writing to find myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am blogging because it helps me to feel that someone-anyone is listening and feeling with me.
Maybe, you were right to walk away. God knows I would have left me after the mistakes and slip-ups I always seem to make.

They say we are creatures of habit. If my habits include caring too much, being allergic to change, and fucking up every single time then, I resign. Lord knows there are people at eternal rest that could do this whole life thing better than I.

You un-followed me today on every social media. You erased me from your life like taking out the trash- it didn't phase you. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to stay the optimistic self I am. I am trying to get better you see? things could be better! It is so hard watching everyone I know grow closer to you in my absence. They cling to you like leeches because attention and a million friends is there morphine.

I would be lying if I said I am okay. I cant sleep. Frigid cold ice cream is all that warms my soul at this point.

Maybe I am rambling on again. Maybe I should suck it up. Maybe this isn't the first time the friendship was corrupted. Good can't last can it? It's only good for so long.
Every optimist has there down side.

Maybe I am overusing the word maybe. Maybe I wished you'd stop sub tweeting about me because, it turns out that words are the anchors that drag me down.

Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you will come back once you see how much better I have become. You don't even have to apologies just come back into my life.

You made me realize that people are tsunami's swallowing us whole until the urge to breathe on my our own fades. You made me realize I am not okay. That seeing you every other day is just a crack of lightning for a reminder of how grasping a lasting something is just a wild fantasy for me.

I guess I will live.  You are simply going to be a spring board up, a lesson learned. You are the past. Until today I was clinging to my profile picture of us as if it was a defibrillator for us. Turns out it was nothing but, a lifeless picture of me and somebody I used to know.

Life is not a game of big brother so why does it feel like it? Why is it that only my alliances are fading? Why am I sinking listening to others make believe they are ten feet under.

Maybe I'm not changing for you. Maybe it really is for me, even if it takes some convincing I swear it is! Maybe I suck at lying because you always did the lying for us.

Here I am struggling to exterminate you from my mind whilst you rub every type of happy in my face. I am allowed to be happy- even happier than you.

I have come to realize I don't give a crap if anyone reads this. Or if I gain anything from posting this. Because maybe I just need to start over and find me, for me. I need to stand alone before I can be okay. Face your fear and for me that's loneliness. Maybe I can do this, and emerge on top in the end. You watch.

Chapter one starts now: The summer I made it better.

16 Lessons For 16 Years

Just like everyone else I have faced by hardships, joyful times and the middle ground of sitting around waiting for inspiration to cure the boredom.  They say that when one door closes another opens but, only you have the key to open it. These are lessons I've gathered during my sixteen years. I aspire to touch the hearts of others. So with out further ado I give you a mere 16 lessons and their sub-parts to tickle your brain.

Lesson 1.  You are alive.

• When something goes wrong I like to say to myself, "Well....hey, I'm alive". This simple reminder puts the little rock in the road into perspective. 

Lesson 2. Don't take the back seat in your life. Be the driver.

• If it will impact you, you must have a say.

Lesson 3. Optimism in all times, sets a deer apart from a fawn.

Lesson 4. Be all in or don't do it at all. Fear is not a good enough reason for you to miss out on life's wonders.

Lesson 5. Don't loose yourself because you want others to like you. It's not worth loosing yourself for. The moment you start trying to please others will be when you aren't able to.

Lesson 6. When life throws you a curve ball, stay calm and knock it out of the park.

Lesson 7. You can do it. It's just a matter of will you?

• It's yours for the taking if you want it.
• If it feels right do it. Your intuition is key!

 Lesson 8.  Love is like an onion; It has layers.

Lesson 9.  Keep all but one of your kings in the back row.

Lesson 10. You have to be your number one supporter. You have to believe in yourself. If you don't who will? You are to wear yourself like you believe it.

Lesson 11. You'll never be able to fly if you keep one foot on the ground.

Lesson 12. Do it. Worry about consequences later. You can always regret doing something but at least you did it. Damned if you do and Damned if you don't so might as well do.

Lesson 13. You can make any situation better. Always. Silver linings aren't always obvious but, they are more than worth the work.

Lesson 14. You don't need someone by your side for you to be happy.

Lesson 15. They say happiness is a mindset. So is fear.

Lesson 16. In time what you have planted now, you will harvest.

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Loosing my Post Virginity

The keys stare with desire. They wish to be pressed. Vying for the attention of my finger tips.  Loosing all self control I cave in. Oh the dramatization!

Growing up I guess I never really knew what to be or how to feel. When it came to school I had all the tools to succeed and still let it just grace my fingers. In 8th grade during my English class we were learning about the Holocaust through novels. My teacher walked in and began her lessons plan asking everyone to answer as honestly as they could to the following questions. She began to ask who had brown eyes and general questions and those that said yes were asked to stand in the opposite side of the room. It came down to me and my hazel eyes wanting to be left knowing that I wished to survive the activity. She began to whittle the group of six down by asking who was a good writer. In years passed, I recall scoring advanced in standardized testing and writing pages on pages with no end because it was truly enjoyable-yet when asked I kept my hand down.

I simply became a product of my own creation. I began to loose my creativity by simply putting it on a shelf. No longer. I am uncapping that hazy glass, mason jar with this blog.

I can do most anything and those I cant I simply haven't tried yet.

"So it goes" ~Kurt Vonnegut